Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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