Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
