...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
