oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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