I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
