So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize