Your mouth is God's brothel.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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