Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
