Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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