So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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