You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
