Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
