y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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