I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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