we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You left your phone here
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