Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
