therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
