Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
