i just wanna soil my oats bro
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
