That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
ttyl tear gas
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
