god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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