I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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