home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
