I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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