You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
