just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
