Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
