Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
