Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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