yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
