we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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