I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize