bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
