He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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