I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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