Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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