it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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