Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
3pm strippers are depressing
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
