it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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