All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm too high and old for this...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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