had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
