she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
