my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
