if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize