allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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