My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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