turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
