Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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