Im at strip club and am horny
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
