Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
