I CAN MOONWALK!
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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