Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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