You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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