Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
