how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
