Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
