First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
