i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How does one acquire holy water?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
