guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
