he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
