nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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